5 days of Clarity. Welcome 2014

Experience has gotten me out of my head. 

When you step out, it’s really powerful!

How much time do we spend in our own heads, a place that is so comforting but is as empty as a loft space with no heating and cracked windows. Rats are roaming the floors yet there a hint of light shine through the cracks. If this were a home renovation (which it is), I would be able to envision the possibility. There are possibilities for my mind: it’s a matter of rearranging furniture.

Radical compassion is working!  I find myself  trusting in and seeking God. 

What you seek, you will find; it has shown up in fellowship and service of others. 

I am accepting of my flaws, clear about my strengths, and what I want to contribute to the world. 

I believe in familial curses as much as blessings. I believe throughout the generations, the hope is that each one will improve upon the last. (Obviously, that’s not always the case). For years, I have struggled with my identity: stuck in roles that I had lost a complete grip with myself and with reality.

2013 was THAT year. It was only a few months ago that I sat in the hospital, grateful to be alive. It was last year where the spiral went down hill, where my focus got so out of wack, that it was impossible to reach me. It was impossible for me to reach me. I would never wish that experience on anyone, however, I know (now) that this happens to everyone. 

After the milestones of high school and college graduations, the only milestones we have are if one is in pursuit of higher education, marriage, children, anniversaries, and death? 

How often are we stuck in identity crisis where we can actually see and embrace the normalcy of the time?

When I share this with my aunts whom I consider mentors, and great examples, they share: “What you’re going through is normal, Erika.” This time, I believe them. Yes, I have had it difficult. But, my basic needs (and then some) were always covered. I went to good schools. I always struggled in relationships. Everything and everyone in and outside of myself was insecure. (No wonder, a few nuts were unscrewed. Where was the screwdriver?). 

As of right now, this is what I focus on:  

1. When you embrace love in all forms, colors, shapes, sizes- you will always win!

Acceptance should be taught along with the ABC’s and 123’s. Pure kids become cruel and it begins a self- perpetuating cycle of compounded cruelty. Language and action become separate, and it is so easy to forget and get lost in us. Where does it end? It’s easy to become wasteful and to run on automatic. But, these feelings never go away. They manifest in the indecisiveness over which $9 latte, addictions and in being so tired and passing out on a subway.

For years, I felt misunderstood, unseen or unheard. So, I would show up in a demanding, you-think-you-know-you-have-no-idea jigsaw puzzle with the tiniest pieces with jagged edges. Who wants to hug a rose with thorns pricking out the sides? 

I have always been seen. I have always been heard. I have always understood. I am learning to communicate from a standpoint of responsibility, and I upgraded my prescription glasses, and my hearing aid; now, there’s no longer a need for a translator: a smile can be understood in every language.