Experience has gotten me out of my head.
When
you step out, it’s really powerful!
How much time do we spend in our own heads,
a place that is so comforting but is as empty as a loft space with no heating
and cracked windows. Rats are roaming the floors yet there a hint of light
shine through the cracks. If this were a home renovation (which it is), I would
be able to envision the possibility. There are possibilities for my mind: it’s a matter of rearranging furniture.
Radical compassion is working! I find myself trusting in and seeking God.
What
you seek, you will find; it has shown up in fellowship and service of others.
I am accepting of my flaws, clear about my
strengths, and what I want to contribute to the world.
I believe in familial curses as much as blessings. I believe
throughout the generations, the hope is that each one will improve upon the
last. (Obviously, that’s not always the
case). For years, I have struggled with my identity: stuck in roles that I had
lost a complete grip with myself and with reality.
2013 was THAT year. It was only a few months ago that I sat
in the hospital, grateful to be alive. It was last year where the spiral went
down hill, where my focus got so out of wack, that it was impossible to reach
me. It was impossible for me to reach me. I would never wish that experience on
anyone, however, I know (now) that this happens to everyone.
After the
milestones of high school and college graduations, the only milestones we have
are if one is in pursuit of higher education, marriage, children,
anniversaries, and death?
How often are we stuck in identity crisis where we
can actually see and embrace the normalcy of the time?
When I share this with my aunts whom I consider mentors, and
great examples, they share: “What you’re going through is normal, Erika.” This
time, I believe them. Yes, I have had it difficult. But, my basic needs (and
then some) were always covered. I went to good schools. I always struggled in
relationships. Everything and everyone in and outside of myself was insecure.
(No wonder, a few nuts were unscrewed. Where was the screwdriver?).
As of
right now, this is what I focus on:
1. When you embrace
love in all forms, colors, shapes, sizes- you will always win!
Acceptance should be taught along with the ABC’s and 123’s.
Pure kids become cruel and it begins a self- perpetuating cycle of compounded
cruelty. Language and action become separate, and it is so easy to forget and
get lost in us. Where does it end? It’s easy to become wasteful and to run on
automatic. But, these feelings never go away. They manifest in the
indecisiveness over which $9 latte, addictions and in being so tired and
passing out on a subway.
For years, I felt misunderstood, unseen or unheard. So, I
would show up in a demanding, you-think-you-know-you-have-no-idea jigsaw puzzle
with the tiniest pieces with jagged edges. Who wants to hug a rose with thorns
pricking out the sides?
I have always been seen. I have always been heard. I have
always understood. I am learning to communicate from a standpoint of
responsibility, and I upgraded my prescription glasses, and my hearing aid;
now, there’s no longer a need for a translator: a smile can be understood in
every language.
Love it! Miss you girly... It's been too long!
ReplyDeleteJessica, I love and miss you. Thank you
ReplyDelete