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In this moment.

I don't know what to write today. I just know that I have to. No, I choose to.

I have been grateful enough to get to know myself on a deep level.  During the journey, I am understanding what I want to create out of life.  I've had to ask myself repeatedly: What are you willing to do Erika? 

Today, I am willing to face the truth that I still have a heavy burden on my heart. Disappointment. Abandonment. Loss. Guilt. Fear. The list goes on and on. While I have forgiven those who have hurt me, I discovered that I haven't forgiven myself.  This is causing a big disconnect in my life. 

The reality is: I am a responsible adult. So, I chose to look at the areas that carried the most weight on my heart. How do/did I contribute to these situations? What was I responsible for? What can I do differently? 

I also asked myself: Am I enough? My heart opened up and immediately looked at my sense of humor. At first, I thought this was odd. I looked at the self-depricating part. At times, it puts many people at ease because it gives them enough distance to be themselves. It breaks the ice. But the closer I had to look at that truth, I discovered that I held that belief that I wasn't enough. Making others laugh at my own expense was one of the many ways I was self-sabotaging, or playing small.

I read a blog called The Daily Love everyday.  Today, someone shared that they knew that they were destined for greatness. This really spoke to my heart, because, I, too have felt this way since I was little. 

So to connect all of these ideas together- Today, I forgave myself for allowing others to hurt me. I forgave myself for playing small. I forgave myself for not taking action. I forgave myself for ignoring the burning desires of my heart. In all this forgiveness, there's the great responsibility. At the heart of responsibility is freedom. The price of not taking action is costing me my health and my life. 

In this moment, I give myself the full permission to explore my dreams.  I am ready and willing to put in the work. 

Comments

  1. adephagiaAugust 16, 2012 at 8:45 PM

    Holy. Woah. This is SUCH a powerful post! Thank you for sharing, and for bringing these ideas (of fear, of freedom, of forgiveness and responsibility) to my attention. Realize that I, too, have been "playing small" -- and that's just not cool at all. Excited to help each other facilitate growth! Feel so fortunate to call you my friend!! Proud of your persistence!!!

    ReplyDelete

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