Make Your Heart Smile.

So, I am two days shy of 35.  Time flies.  In two and a half years time, I've moved twice. I've been in the South for almost a year.  Luckily, I will be in NY for my birthday.  It feels good to visit home.  These past few months, I've learned to embrace change. Don't get me wrong, it's a messy process. My inner child has protested, roared but in this time of assessment.. I've searched relentlessly for value.  In short, acceptance.  I made decisions that came with consequences; part of the process is accepting the terms of the decision.  It's required becoming patient with the process and with myself. For this birthday, I set this intention to stay in ease to love and exchange joy, in faith. For once not in fear... in Faith.

My heart is smiling today. My gift to myself was to take a plunge into the unhealthy habits I have.  An Integrative Hypnotherapy session with my friend, Victoria revealed to me that I had this unconscious belief that I had to be sick (or small, weak) in order to be connected to my family and in relationship to other people. I am proud to share that is no longer the case. The tools that I have supporting me is an amazing support system who hold me very high and accountable, my own inner strength and the ability/resources to interrupt patterns and choose different.  My purpose is being revealed to me everyday. I repeat the word: "In every way, everyday, I'm getting better and better" - as the days go by, I find that manifestation is coming to life, and I want to spend my life ensuring others learn to tap into their intrinsic strength.  My challenge to all of you, dear readers, is could you help at least one person ? How many smiles could we generate? Wi...

30 has kicked my ass- but, a radical year of transformation, forgiveness, acceptance full of teachers, lessons, students and now, I am happy to the leave the fucker behind. Here's what I walk away with, in few words, but photos.  My cousins are and will always be my best friends. Their children? my homies.  Embrace being the outsider, but always know, you belong somewhere.  Explore where you grew up- experience nostalgia fully, find beauty everywhere.  Never be afraid to stretch yourself past wherever you thought you could.  Celebrate all walks of life.  High school brought me my best friends.  Look up more!  Have a best friend who is stronger than you, pushes you and reminds you how truly special you are.  Celebrate and cherish love.  Be silly.  God, Divine has always and will always protect me.  Forgive. Learn to be a daughter....

On September 11, 2001-  I was almost seventeen years old, a senior in highschool and was living in the Bronx with my father. That morning he had promised to drive me to school, making my one hour commute much easier for me.  In the morning, he had a change of heart and decided to take back his offer; Naturally, I wasn't having it. I argued, cried, screamed and pleaded with my father, pulling the Catholic Italian guilt I knew until finally he gave in. I was in my second class, and it was during this ten minute news announcement that we got word that the planes crashed into the towers. To my dismay, I called my father who was trying to get into the city.  Again, I screamed, cried and pleaded for him to go home, and he listened. On this day, I think of my dad and I because it was my relentless teenage spirit that forced him to avoid traveling to Manhattan on this day. I like to think my intuition knew and protected him from traveling. I think of my fighting spirit that...

Wow, it's been a minute since I've written it this blog. My life has transformed from dark period where I couldn't smile for about eight months to one where smiles and laughter dominate my life. Depression and Anxiety are real. They were the undertone of my existence throughout my 20's, I was hospitalized twice. Through intensive Cognitive Behavioral and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, I've learned to be Now,  fully transparent with my emotions, honoring them, and improving my self-care daily. I've become a Reiki 1 (soon to be Reiki 2) practitioner, trained in bodywork, a singer, writing, and pursuing whatever creative outlet supports healing and transformation. My support system is AMAZING.  I will take a moment here to give some shout outs because without these people, I would not be able to be okay today. My family: My Dad, Titi Sandy & Aunt Diane- were my Dream Team for almost two years. Thank you for the mix of TLC, tough- love and ALL...

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away -  The Invitation by Oriah The past week I've been struggling with managing my temper; mainly, living and being in reaction to loved ones. I must admit, I have certainly progressed in this area: spoke what's on my mind and was able to uncover what was in my heart, but not without an attitude. As I think about what has sustained me, anger and sadness has taken up a huge space in my heart. While I am loving, it is not without walls and conditions- this in and of itself, is limiting.  I'm feisty, quick-witted, quick-mouthed, and for years, kept a huge distance between myself in others in various ways. Last year, I found out- being intimidating, intense really limited the way I wanted to be with people. I wanted to be loved. Instead, I was received as heavy, bossy, controlling, intense- surely, someone who needed a hug a...

A close loved one of mine has been infected with HIV for over 15 years. To honor her, I've been participating in the AIDS walk for a few years. This year, I wanted to build a team of support - to frame a picture with the certificate of completion. This past Sunday, five friends joined me to make that happen. We walked 6.2 miles amongst the 30,000 others for the cause. My loved one struggles with mattering- often neglecting her well-being until it's almost too late. It's been painful to watch someone be depressed, suffer from addictions and allow her circumstances to define the life she was leading. It leads her. I'll never know what it's like to be infected. I do remember when I was told. I was fifteen years old.  I cried. I didn't know how to process that information. Nobody was able to comfort me. So, I educated myself. I learned about the ELISA test- a diagnostic tool used to screen HIV, all of the potential opportunistic infections and watched Philadelph...

It feels wonderful to be writing this blog, again. It's been an eventful few months, most particularly from April until now.  I feel inclined to share what's on my heart and the lessons that lessen the growing pains I've been experiencing. I will be 30 on September 27th of this year- the past year has been about self-examination, cultivating a closer relationship with God, and getting clear on my vision. In other words, a rite of passage to womanhood- (there are things one can't get away with anymore). I am someone who wants to play a big game- this is often people's experience of me that I am driven and have a "special" quality. (I'm all heart).  But, in the past few months, I've shown up ungrateful, with a righteous attitude and have lost a few people because of it. While the toxicity is gone, I still know deep down that circumstances could have been handled more maturely and kindly.  Personal integrity is something I am working on fo...

In the past month, I am so grateful to have mentored teens ages 12-17 to help explore relevant issues for  their age groups and co-faciliate power groups that allow for topics like communication, relationships, and school/home life.   I went in with the intention to source authenticity- and boy, were they some amazing teachers!! Young leaders taking a stand for themselves brought me back to an age where I was overwhelmed with very adult issues and struggled until recently with expressing myself. Last Monday, I had a breakthrough in front of a room of about thirty teens, and ten adults and shared a very personal experience from the Summer of 2013. In that moment, I experienced myself as authentic- without a story, with tears flowing from my eyes knowing that sharing my own brush with life could impact others and set myself free. And so, I shared unexpectedly- and in that, I was set free from the shame, guilt and judgement I had of myself and was able to forgive. So, t...

The month of January has proved to be so full and rich for me. 2014 looks promising. 2014 is promising. Although, there are many opportunities that are arising, my writing and spirituality has become a daily pursuit and endeavor that has grounded me. Last year, with a great big push from loved ones, I pushed myself to do spoken word. After my third time this past Saturday, I am growing more comfortable and uncomfortable with showing up vulnerable in front of strangers. The beauty of poetry- of speaking my words is that I am sharing myself with strangers, and after it is over, they have become friends.  In some ways, I am a stranger to myself- (although I am clear that I am strange, in fact, I embrace it ;) ).  This journey of self- discovery is amazing because I walk daily with God.  The illusion of separateness is just that, an illusion.  If you were to ask me last year if I thought I'd smile like this, I would've laughed.  But,...

It's the end of an era: Victim of circumstance,  No more.  The errors of my ways, made me who I am.  Today. I look up and walk ahead, proudly. It's an end of an era:  Victim of circumstance,  No more.  Patience and virtue, walk with me. On the road ahead lies,  No lies. But,  Truth in all forms: The hummingbird's song.  The whistling trees that whisper,  "I am here. I'll be here." In times of doubt, and uncertainty,  I was always guided.  Those whom I confide,  say, "come out of hiding. It's okay to be who you are, unafraid." So, I laugh. I run wild and free.  Through the grass, barefoot.  and say: "It's an end of an era: I've handled my circumstances."

Experience has gotten me out of my head.  When you step out, it’s really powerful! How much time do we spend in our own heads, a place that is so comforting but is as empty as a loft space with no heating and cracked windows. Rats are roaming the floors yet there a hint of light shine through the cracks. If this were a home renovation (which it is), I would be able to envision the possibility. There are possibilities for my mind: it’s a matter of rearranging furniture. Radical compassion is working!   I find myself  trusting in and seeking God.  What you seek, you will find; it has shown up in fellowship and service of others.  I am accepting of my flaws, clear about my strengths, and what I want to contribute to the world.  I believe in familial curses as much as blessings. I believe throughout the generations, the hope is that each one will improve upon the last. (Obviously, that’s not always the case). For years, I have struggl...

 I began 2013 taking the bull by the horns, with the strong intention that it would be "the best year yet." It most certainly has been for many reasons, just not in the way I thought it would. I've grown spiritually, mentally, and physically. Emotionally? I was in for a rude awakening. Why? After being armed and ready, willing to stretch and actually accomplish my goals, the pendulum swung back and forth, and it ALL fell apart. There were months I cried daily. There were months when my inner child was wailing in pain, walking in circles, not knowing what to do next. I didn't believe it would ever go away. It wasn't until an almost death scare, succumbing to illness, and losing everything, that I have found myself. It has been scary to observe, experience and actually BE with myself. To be with my pain. I've lost friendships in which people held up the mirror, and I truly began to see how I have been showing up in the world (in many cases, ho...

I haven't felt like myself in months. As I've allowed myself to dig a little deeper (and be more specific), I noticed that I 've completely stopped writing my blogs. How can you have your blog called "Make Your Heart Smile?" when you haven't been smiling. Although this wasn't a conscious thought, I know my feelings have been getting in the way. I'll admit the focus has been on me-- while that may not sound like the worst thing in the world, it has been extremely uncomfortable, unnerving, but necessary.  One close frend of mine encouraged me a few times to "just be with it." Well, what does that mean? When my adrenaline is pumping, my emotions are doing the driving. Other's have offered "You can do it!" type of feedback. Especially when I had been lamenting over school. Most of the time, I would find relief and comfort in their words, but something was missing. When this feeling arises, indeed, it's always a choice. Y...

I embrace life's highest possibilities, celebrating a new loving relationship, with..... ::drum roll:::: Writing!  It's funny, really. Everyone who knows me personally, knows that I am a writer. They see and think that I love to write!  Well, I hate to burst that bubble, but I didn't.  Writing, was arduous work. As someone who lives in her head, the act of writing would send me into a  civil war with:  1) the act of sitting still  2) the ability to strive for perfection 3) desperation to connect with an audience You see, I always wrote for me. Writing was the outlet when my world seemed dark and gloomy. When I had no friends, my journal carried me through. Confronting these fears/blockages and embracing that I am an artist, has helped me to change this paradigm.  It is said that a good writer is an avid reader, well, I am not.  To have strong command of language, the ability to say things descriptivel...

Whatever it took, we signed up, to win. Living by our word, what a journey it's been. Sometimes unwilling, sometimes unsure. Will we come together? What are we doing this for? Beyond what we wanted or what was right, beyond all our feelings, both day and night. Broke down. weekly. Broke through Weekly. As we near the end, embracing life's possibilities, the uncertainty of tomorrow. We stand, United. WE ARE LT90!!!!

Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable- Philippians 4:8  On this beautiful Sunday morning, I am overwhelmed with gratitude.  Over the past three months, I have been confronting many things that have held me back, or, as I interpret it, taking up unnecessary space in my life.   It's just like cleaning up your hard-drive on your computer. Performance will be slow if there is too much operating at once, or, if your disk-space is full. Life is like this, too. Outside circumstances, people's opinions, and the outside pressures would handle me. I'd create and re-create this experience, time and time, again. Guess what? I've had enough.  There is a certain peace and flow that is able to be created. Balance. By putting myself first, I am getting less lost in the process because I trust the process.  Like the saying goes, "All Good things come to an end," I'd change ...

"Do you think you can handle the little kids?" The NY Cares Team leader asked me as I was writing my name tag.     "Absolutely," I responded. As I sat down at the small table of four---a library of books, tiny cubbies, and the sight of about a dozen oversized adults in tiny chairs surrounded me.       "Who's up for a challenge?" Naturally, my eyebrows raised.      "There's a hyperactive boy with a short attention span. Would anyone be willing to work with him?" My hand raised, automatically. (It seems to do that a lot lately).       "He has a lot of energy. Let us know if you need assistance." * * * *  He ran into the room like the tasmanian devil. He spun in circles and zoomed right passed me.     "What's your name?"       "D-E-N-S-KY." His eager eyes looked up at me.  His smile reminded me of when you watch someone bite into the bes...

Hello, there! It's the start of another week. After a weekend of strong family and friend connection, I am spent.  The 49er's lost :( I am in one funky mood. I don't want to do anything. After starting school last week, not even that excites me. ( I am in awesome classes, too). In all honesty, I have this feeling I just need to to get away for a few days, in the hot sun, alone. There's something about nature that soothes me, unlike anything else. With that said, in all of this funk-a-dilly-ocious-ness, there is choice. Clearly, something is not working. Today, I choose to connect and reflect on what is and what's not working and recommit to make one choice today to forward myself. I will focus on all the beautiful things that were created over this weekend, connection  and celebration of family and friendship. As someone who comes from a HUGE family, it's a beautiful thing to witness another generation grow up and connect. In the spirit of lea...

This is my bucket full of journals. Of all my possessions, they are the most priceless . It's contents,   Me. Below is a poem written almost thirteen years ago:  2/8/2000. "Why is Love so Complicated"  Love has no definition  Or any types of premonitions Love comes directly from your heart It hurts like hell when it has to part  Love does cause pain But Love is a gift that has to be exchanged  Love makes you crazed that you feel like your constantly in a daze It makes your heart skip a 1000 beats You feel like dancing in the streets Love does have a wicked side  Your mind is constantly in a tide  Your heart may ache  But there's no medicines to take Love begins with hello and ends in goodbye Love makes you laugh ad it makes you cry Love is so complicated but that's the best part Knowing you have no control over your heart.  I am happy to share that I have still retained some of my romant...